Self-Kindness is Difficult

The Good (What have I done right?)

  1. … Doesn’t feel like much today.

The Bad (What I have I done wrong?)

  1. Indulgence. Again.
  2. Distractions. Again.

The Left Undone (What should I do next time?)

Distractions and unexpected interruptions to your plan will happen. This is a fact of life and cannot be eliminated. Prepare for them. They are part of the struggles which make you stronger and prove to you what you are truly capable of. Accept them and deal with them.

Thoughts

It’s very difficult to feel any sort of compassion, kindness, or love towards one’s self after a day which feels like nothing was accomplished. I understand that we should avoid wallowing in self-pity and get right back up. Try again. Try harder. I suspect my subconscious has a strange and immensely unhealthy “consolation” system wherein I allow myself indulgences as “small comforts” despite knowing they are damaging in countless ways. This must be eliminated. Equally as important is the avoidance of further spiraling into self-pity or self-loathing. The past must be accepted. It cannot be changed. It will not impact your future. I must not let it.

The cucumber is bitter? Then throw it out.
There are brambles in the path? Then go around them.
That’s all you need to know. Nothing more. Don’t demand to know “why such things exist.” Anyone who understands the world will laugh at you, just as a carpenter would if you seemed shocked at finding sawdust in his workshop, or a shoemaker at scraps of leather left over from work.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 8.50, tran. Gregory Hays

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